Why I wrote this book
I was 70 when I realized I was still following rules I didn't remember agreeing to.
Rules about what women are supposed to do, want, wear, say—and eventually, what we're supposed to stop doing.
And the more I noticed them, the more I wondered:
How much of our lives are we actually choosing?
That question became You Don't Need a Reason.
It's not a book about getting older. It's about the invisible rules we carry with us—and what happens when we finally decide we don't have to follow them.
Women aren't finished becoming interesting. Neither are you.
CHAPTER 1
THE WOMAN ON THE BARSTOOL
I am sitting at a bar.
Alone.
On purpose.
No one is waiting for me. I am not waiting for anyone.
I did not come here to be discovered, rescued,
admired or chosen.
I came because I felt like leaving the house.
That’s it.
No birthday.
No date.
No celebration.
No man.
No mission.
Just a woman, a stool and a perfectly decent glass of wine. And apparently, for many people, this is shocking.
Women write to me to say they could never do this.
They would need a reason.
A friend in town.
A work thing.
A husband running late.
A story that makes their presence acceptable.
Otherwise, why would a woman be out in the world?
Here’s the answer that seems to rattle people to
the core.
Because she wants to be.
I am 70 years old and I have finally run out of interest in explaining myself.
I grew up believing we were the progressive ones. We had jobs. Opinions. Bank accounts. Shoulder pads that could cut through glass ceilings.
We thought we had escaped the cage.
Turns out that cage was just a newer model.
Be pleasant.
Be desirable.
Be useful.
Be chosen.
Even our freedom had a purpose.
Go out, but not alone.
Talk, but make it mean something.
Be attractive, but God forbid you attract attention.
Be independent but end up partnered.
Have fun — but please let it lead somewhere respectable.
I am tired.
Not tired of living.
I am wildly interested in living.
I am tired of the requirement that every moment must justify its existence.
Somewhere we picked up the idea that joy must justify itself. That presence must lead somewhere. That if we are visible, pleasant, open, dressed, out in the world — it must be in service of an outcome.
A relationship.
A business connection.
A story.
A future.
But what if a moment could simply be lovely and then be over?
What if a conversation could just be a conversation?
What if going out meant you went home as exactly the same person — except you had lived a little?What if you don’t need a reason?
As I sit on this barstool, I am not making a statement.
I am not representing womankind.
I am not conducting research.
I am not proving bravery.
I am having a Tuesday.
And if that sounds radical, then something has gone very
wrong with how we’ve taught women to exist.
This book is about that.
It is about being visible without being available.
It is about conversation without contracts.
It is about showing up for your life even when there is no prize at the end. Especially then.
I am done with explanations.
Here is the only one I have left:
I wanted to be here.
And that is reason enough.
If this felt familiar,
there's more.
Because the barstool wasn't really the point.
The barstool was where I started noticing something I'd been carrying around for years: the invisible rules.
The rules that tell us what a good woman does.
What a respectable woman wants.
What's appropriate at our age.
When it's selfish to put ourselves first.
When we should stop trying something new.
And once I started noticing them, I couldn't stop.
That's what You Don't Need a Reason is about.
Not getting younger. Not reinventing yourself. Not becoming some wildly different version of yourself.
Just becoming a little less willing to explain why you want the life you want.
And apparently, I'm not the only one who needed that reminder. Women of all ages are finding themselves in these pages.
Ready to read the rest?
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